Micah March 31st

Stuck in the Next Step

Its been awhile since I have written something about me on my blog. Not sure why, just seems that there has been no big changes or revelations lately.Which, it seems, is kinda the issue.

Tomorrow is April 1, day for most that is reserved for hijinks and hilarity. For me, April 1 means something different entirely. On April 1, 2006, I decided it was time to be sober. Big decision. Took a lot of mindshare and time. Willpower and focus. Something I am pretty proud of, but ashamed I had to do it in the first place.

On April 1, 2008, I learned I had Bipolar II. Talk about a mixed emotion day. Here I finally figured out the basis for many of my actions; learned it was treatable, and started to take action. (On a side note, I feel so different here a year later. I am calmer, more able to focus, better at getting things done. Its been amazing.)

So with tomorrow being April 1, what will it bring?

The other day, I was on a man date with Jeffrey (we had just seen the bromance movie I Love You, Man, so Im all up on the lingo) where we were discussing speaking at events and other profile raising activities.

“You know,” I said, “I wonder if my persona, theatrics and past scare people off. After all, most people, once they get to know me realize that I am actually a decent dude.”

Jeffrey paused for a moment. “Dude, I was listening to Dr. Drew on Howard Stern this morning, and he said something that reminded me of you.”

Which, as you can imagine, were just the words I have been waiting to hear for my entire life.

“Dr. Drew was talking about how Artie [Lang] always talks about drugs and his wild times while being on them. Dr. Drew said that Artie was addicited to not being addicted. That through shear force of will Artie had stopped doing drugs, but that he had never overcome his addiction, and until he had treated his addiction, he would never really be able to move forward in his life, because he would be working so hard at not doing drugs.”

“Interesting,” I replied, and changed the subject.

But, I didnt stop thinking about it.

It continued to sit in my head and I continued to chew on it. After all, it was something I thought about a lot. That while I had decided to be sober, and that I figured out the biploar thing, I was still feeling that I wasnt being all that I could be. That success was alluding me not because I was not fighting for it or because I was working towards it, but because I was my own worst enemy. Failure was overwhelming me. Failure was no longer a process; it was a rut.

A couple of days later, I had this IM discussion with a friend:

Me: ok, so here is the deal with me
Me: want to hear it?
Him: yes
Me: jeffrey made a comment to me the other day
Me: about how he was listening to dr. drew on howard stern
Me: and dr. drew said the reason artie talks about being a drug addict all the time
Me: is that he overcame doing drugs, but not the addiction
Me: that he is addicted to not being addicted
Me: for some reason that rang really true for me
Me: there has been a block for me since I got sober
Me: and I dont know what it was
Me: I thought it was the bipolar
Me: but thats not it
Me: so dr. drew said that artie should get treatment for his addiction
Me: which I think I am going to do
Me: I think if I stop working so hard to not be addicted, I can spend time on the things that matter to me. that I can stop feeling so overwhelmed all the time
Me: so thats it
Me: now I have to take a shit. brb
Him: i agree with that
Him: a lot
Me: really?
Him: totally
Him: because when i first met you it dove me fucking crazy that you talked about coke all the time
Him: cuz i know both sides
Him: i have been around addiction most of my life
Him: a LOT of my friends are coke heads
Him: so its like.  wtf. i don’t care. i understand.
Him: but i felt like it was a part of you that needed to peak
Him: speak
Him: yea know
Him: and you needed to get it out
Him: i felt almost as an atonement
Me: yeah – it makes total sense to me now

So, that it. The big April 1 thing. I have not fixed the things that made me make bad decisions in the past, I am just avoiding them, and its time to stop. Stop talking about them, stop making self deprecating jokes. Just stop being stuck in the next step.

And with that, I grow a little bit more…

Photo Credit: dearsomeone

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